Utopia dipped in Barbwire grappling Demons – The hunt for Happiness!
Happiness what is it? I mean really what the fuck is it? I have my opinion on that. Always have, but its changed massively over the last few years. How common is it to hear people say they just want to be happy. If they don’t know what it is then how do they know they’re not. They certainly don’t appear happy. Right bunch of miserable looking fuckers most of them. Its like a scene from the Walking Dead. Then theres those who are always trying to show how good it is to anybody crazy enough to hold an interest. Constant FaceBook and Instagram etc posts and updates orchestrated to prove what an amazing life experience they are having. You can guarantee most of this revolves around “Stuff”. You know – that latest gadget or whatever that really shows the world how much they’ve got it all together and are ahead of the race. Photos of all the latest shit they have acquired accompanied with the wearing of some hideous smile normally associated with a constipated camel. Nights out on the town photographed in some contortionist version of a drunken yoga pose whilst wrapped around some unfortunate slob who instantly portrays a look of gangster hip hop thinking his/her ship just docked. Nut jobs playing at grown ups and thinking they getting away with it. Those Fuckers! If this sounds a little holier than thou – its not! I’ve been all of them and countless other examples. Like I said, my opinions of happiness have changed many times and if Im honest Im still open to ideas. But one thing I know is all the bullshit didn’t fill what was always a massive hole in the soul. I tried to fill it with drink & drugs, enough of that shit to fill the Black Hole of Calcutta. But not the hole in the soul. That gaping nightmare just grew bigger. Extreme adrenaline, unnatural sex acts, contact sports, marriage and many other disturbing activities. None of it brought more than temporary relief.
But there was times when I felt it. Not just happiness but pure unadulterated joy. Even in the midst of the chaos. In my worst days of self destruction, pure insanity, harms done others and periods of it all seaming so mundane I wouldn’t breathe a sober breath for what seamed like eternity. Times my life at best resembled a triple header train crash on the inside but on the out I could wear the mask of some City Gent hoping nobody could view through the fucked up facade. Still it would make appearances, let itself be known to me. How does that happen? No job or amount of money could force the issue. Awesome parents, loving partner and kids just seemed to push it further away at times. Nothing brought about by my efforts added up to anything other than short term excitement followed by a huge crash and disappointment. But still it was there. A quiet undercurrent unaffected by circumstances.
Everybody wants to be happy. I get that. Its not complicated or too much to wish for. But the searching and wrestling trying to force the issue is counterproductive. As are peoples views on what happiness actually is. More so their right to have it delivered to them by somebody equally clueless about all this. Example been, when I first met my ex wife in a bar she jokingly said ‘Do you come here often?’ To which I replied seriously ‘Everyday’. Moons later in the middle of the thousandth manic ugly argument about my drinking she tearfully said ‘But I never guessed you would be this bad’. Some part of the “Everyday” answer had bypassed her understanding. Either that or she carefully chose to ignore due to the pursuit of her idea of what happiness looks like.
I listened intently to a friend last night give a talk on what happiness is to him. It was very psychology orientated and however much that shit bores me he managed to nail it with enough points of interest that I probably hadn’t thought too much about. Until he started to reaffirm his totalitarian believe that happiness is all in the mind. A state of mind he says. That might be his mind state but very rarely mine. Mines normally in a right state. Then again some of us are sicker than others. Could that be down to the fact I grew up with a very negative and destructive peer group where violence (even against each other if there was nobody suitable at hand) and booze were an everyday occurrence. Along with all the shit that accompanies this behaviour Im bound to feel some underlying trauma. Then if so then how come I still love these guys, well most of them? Long after they became ‘Respectable Citizens’ I chose to leave them to it except for occasional visits and text messages. Purely born out of the need to stay sober and nothing else. Hows that for positive thinking? Still happiness comes and goes on its own terms.
Those who have found themselves in situations such as Rehab, Therapy or Nut Houses will be familiar with positive affirmations were we try to trick the mind into positive thinking. They go something like this…
“I am a wonderful flower pot of the Universe and I’m supported on all side by compassion and forgiveness” – Really!!
How I understand it…
“I am a fucked up lunatic that has spent 47 years bumbling through this life with a vague sense that if it wasn’t for some Higher Power (whatever that looks like/calls itself) I would have been dead ages ago… and yes there was plenty fun along the way”.
I’ve got news for you… the mind is a cunning sniper that jerks off in hysterics at childish attempts to play hide and seek with it!
I’ve Came to Believe that happiness is a gift. It happens to be a lot easier to foolishly throw it away than receive it in the first place. That usually happens through doubling my efforts to bring more and turning it into a drug to crave. Its then that I forget its an inside job. That its already there. How else could I have felt it in the middle of those mental train crashes. Those times when I’m falling about almost pissing myself laughing in the middle of some crushing life experience. Its always there. I still get those experiences of it today.
Life can at times be overwhelming! Financially and materially I’ve never had it so good but theres still times the world and its people force me to withdraw. I can feel the disassociation starting up in me days sometimes weeks before and I know a period of isolation is on the cards. Everything can get double serious and heavy. But never the less even in those dark moments/days when I feel Im been dragged by demons through the cuckoos nest chained at the ankles with spiritual barb wire, its there! Endless feeling periods wrestling some fucked up multiple personality disorder where one of us is more than happy to drown in the quicksand of self-pity while the other wants to don some suit and burst out into the sky and rearrange the Universe to more of my liking. Throughout all of that, every now and again a brief interval of happiness for no apparent reason will give me just enough. A taste of what it is we are all searching for. A smile, a chuckle (mostly at myself) and I know all is well. Even though it feels anything but.
Whether I’m a fucked up lunatic or a wonderful flower pot of the Universe is irrelevant. Happiness comes and it goes and comes back again. My part in it is to just get out of its fucking way. Everything else is just stuff.
“Relax and chill out, none of us are getting out of this life alive” – Some Wise Guy.
“The purpose of a mans life is not happiness but worthiness” – Felix Adler.
“Don’t worry be happy” – Bob Marley.
D&O in Fresno