Its been two months since I updated the blog. Thats the longest since it started back in August 2016. Now 42 posts ago. Theres a good reason for that… Ive had nothing I wanted to write about. Maybe Ive had plenty things to say, but theres a difference. We only speak when we want to be heard. When it comes to writing I don’t give two fucks. It matters not whether this is my all time top post or if not one other soul reads it. I write for me. For that I need to want to write. There has to be something in it for me. Normally that is to allow me to get my head around, make sense of, something thats been going on in my world.
There has been plenty going on. In fact millions of things have happened this last couple of months. Whilst at the same time… absolutely nothing!!
Its been quiet upstairs. Peaceful. Like I said there has to be something in it for me and these past weeks that just hasn’t mattered. Somehow along the way I gently and unnoticeably detached from any clinging to and struggling with things I desired to control. Even if thats just, and it normally is, mentally like some fucked up Jedi mind trick, wish to make this world and its inhabitants confirm to my expectations. Its been a beautiful experience and I never once thought about powering up the keyboard.
I felt all that start to change after a string of ‘Coincidences’ starting around the beginning of last week and culminating at 2am this morning. When after drifting in and out of light consciousness I got up to take a piss and thought about phoning in sick and spending the day getting fucked up drunk! Hyde was awake. The assassin in my head was drawing a bead and I could feel myself bumbling through the killing zone again. I could feel the need to write starting up a few days back but I knew this morning that I would be sitting down at some point to script this…
Joy or Attachment – I get to choose!
Ive done so much work these last five years on letting go. Letting go of drink and drugs was just a starting point. Born out of necessity. A matter of survival but nothing more than a beginning. Letting go of the need to control the progressive cluster fuck that they were the solution to proves more challenging. I get to see. Even when for all intents and purpose the rest of the world is asleep dreaming they are awake. Clinging to and totally attached to something, somebody or some situation. Be that a job, a relationship, family, soap opera, desire to reach a utopian state through working their way into some fat bank account or huge pay off. Anything they can cling to that produces an illusion that tomorrow has the chance of delivering happiness. Or maybe anxiously counter punching their way into a position of safety that prevents something they see vital to happiness been removed or lost tomorrow, next week etc etc.
That is where I found myself last week. Likewise I was asleep dreaming I was awake. It wasn’t until I felt the need to get wasted at 2am that I realised I was attached. Not reattached to the bottle… but to that peace of the last couple of months! That need to cling to it as I felt it slipping away. Fuck it, it wasn’t mine anyways! But knowing that didn’t stop the fear. Didn’t stop me diligently searching inside, plotting and scheming on how to grip tighter. Resenting those who slept soundly and oblivious to the fact I blamed them for taking it away… What a fucking cluster fuck! Totally Insane!!
Then… Boom – Awake!
The memory of every painful event or perceived negative experience and the huge amount of personal growth that was hidden in them resurfaces. How many times the blessing was disguised in the lesson. My total inability to at times differentiate what really is good or bad for me based on how it feels at that moment. How many times I promised myself that next time I will see it quicker and let go before the habitual driving myself nuts rather than accept the gift. That showed up and I woke up.
The day was an unlearning experience. Old programming fought hard to grab my attention. But the new intuition gradually becomes more and more a working part of the mind. I was surrounded at every turn by remarkable people. People struggling with all sorts of shit. I could see myself in all of them at various stages and cant help but overlook the “Coincidences”. Every week I sit down for a spot of lunch with a good friend who understands all of this a bit better than me. ‘Coincidence’ put that on hold since just before Christmas and started it back up again today. He got to hear me describe the three events of the last week that had twisted my Mellon. I got to hear him again say his trademark catchphrase – “Life’s tough, get a fucking Helmet”.
The day draws to a close with no attachments. Im back at that place where I can see that nothing outside of me can bring lasting peace, joy and happiness. All of it, everything is nothing more than a stinking pile of garbage that brings temporary thrills and excitement followed by panic then boredom. The real deal is in the fact I’ve never been more comfortable in my own skin and in that there is a joy and happiness infinitely indescribable. Another 24 hour pass out of the “Land of the Dead”.
“Dare to look at everything around you without fear or formula and it wont be long before you see” – Anthony De Mello.
“If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” – Matt 5:40
“Your misfortune has become your good fortune” – Bill W
D&O in Fresno