Bordering the Clusterfuck

“I’ve come to expect challenges. In fact Ive Came to Believe that at the exact moment I realise sanity has returned I’ve already started the process of restoring myself to insanity.”

Its a recurring patten. Each time I peel another layer from the onion the next one smarts my eyes. Its kind of fun in a sick way like playing heads or tails with a coin that declares ‘Outright Serenity’ & ‘Manic Serenity’ on opposing sides. I get to play and it appears thats my game of choice on this journey called life. Eventually the coin lands ‘Serenity’ side up and during the cooling down period Im allowed the opportunity to reflect. View the progress and collateral damage equally, formulate a plan for the next layer, take a deep breath and relax. Who knows, next time I might just say “Fuck this I’m off to the pub to get loaded” but where would the fun be in that. 

The layer of recent experience has been original to say the least. Ive been guilty of just about every defect in the book at one point or another. Me and the ‘Seven Deadly’ were in the same class at school, ‘Snow White’ joined us later. But when it comes to judgement I only ever had a nodding acquaintance. Hardly strangers, just never quite close buddies. The way I always saw it was we all have opinions and if yours didn’t match mine then you were history. Dropped like a hot stone. Not saying I disliked you or even thought about you. Rather where was the value in bumping heads over different perspectives when there was more interesting topics to wash drink and drugs down with.

Almost 48 years in and my acquaintance of the nodding variety decided it was time for a full introduction. Much more of an interesting chap than I originally thought. A fucking mirror and a teacher. We would of made good drinking partners back in the day. So where am I going with all this…

Lately Ive been fed up with humans. Nothing out of the ordinary there, ‘Those Fuckas’ always find a way in. But normally I can separate (keep this in mind for later) them into groups – those that piss me off and those that charge my battery, keep me going so to speak. Then out of nowhere it seamed as if God appeared with an Oxyacetylene bottle and a blow torch and welded those fuckers together. One big clusterfuck of opposing opinions. Making noise, lots of it! 

Now lets be honest, I don’t give a fart in a shitstorm about who’s right and who’s wrong. I don’t believe there is such a thing. Opinions. One man’s meat is another man’s poison. I don’t go around telling others whats for supper. But it appears everybody all of a sudden wants to be king or queen of the pissing and moaning party. Worse still a lot of them claim to have an understanding of the 3rd Step. They have spoken many times of the disaster zone their life became when they tried to run the show. Now they demand how things should be done according to them. Everything from running the planet to picking the England team’s starting eleven in the World Cup. Its not exclusively them (remember the Big Fella with the blowtorch), everybody’s at it (and I mean everybody. If you think I don’t mean you then take another spin, in fact take as many as you like). The way I see it is if they were in charge of the team sheet the highlight of the season in a few short years would be a derby agains the Bullfarters Arms in some Sunday league over 40’s competition in front of a record crown numbering the grand total of 42. As for taking charge in an office of power then the whole planet would probably implode within 5 working days.

All of a sudden the sting from the onion starts to ease and I get to ask – “Who is the madman here?” What was it the Carpenter said about ‘Forgive them they haven’t got a Scooby what they are doing’ – infants in charge of an ego and here I am judging them like I’m any better. I get to look in a mirror held up by a teacher. Painful like an onion sting to the eyes. Another layer pealed, another layer removed from the core, getting closer, growing through pain. Entered and returned from the illusion of separation. Even though it feels good for brief moments, self-righteousness is still the pathway to self-destruct. I need ‘Those Fuckas’ even though they make noise that robs me of serenity from time to time. Who else would hold the mirror up? I made a decision to face and be rid of the things that feed my demons and block me from whatever has my highest good in its interests (Whatever It looks like, whatever It calls Itself). I got to face and be rid of some more thanks to Judgement and I’m grateful for the lesson so bring on the next one and make it equally as interesting or who knows I might just say “Fuck this I’m off to the pub to get loaded” – Not today JFT.

Step into the fire of self discovery, this fire will not burn you, it will only burn what you are not” – Mooji

“It is easy to criticise and break down the spirits of others, but to know yourself takes a lifetime” – Bruce Lee

“For (because of)  judgement I came into the world, That those who do not see (own faults) may see and those who see (defects of others) may become blind” – JC.

D&O in Fresno

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