Circadian Fall

I sit at the table, order a scotch and light a smoke. The barman knows me, “don’t be calling me son again, mister! Whiskey is it?” The room half full. Deadbeats and alkys line the walls. They search for anything to wake them from their shitkicking existence. A sudden surge of pleasure is all that’s needed to make them forget. As for me? I’m only here to see her. My need is for her to recognise me, to remember how it was, before it all went separate.

The light fades while the curtain goes back. A tree stands centre stage caught in the spotlight. Drums beat, and she makes her way out in front of the crowd; naked as the first time I laid eyes on her. This nest of losers stare silently spellbound. The dance enchants and seduces them. They drool as she rolls herself around the tree, the snake slides down; it stares into her eyes.

“Looking for anybody in particular?” A huge black guy leans on the chair to my left, “Bubba Pimp, I know everything there is to know about the whoring business.” He nods towards a dark corner of the room where some scantly clad twenty something fakes a smile and strokes her crotch. I turn my attention back to the stage, “how much for her?”

Im going to tell you a story; before I forget. You see, a Man can live a whole day in a story, a lifetime, many lives, to make one story, and then forget. Climb out of bed to a history he can’t remember. Thrown into a day he neither foretold nor requested. And that’s how my story goes. How it plays out, each and every day…

A room. It seems familiar…but the girl? I don’t recall. Naked. Skin soft and warm, her breath light. She rolls away, lost in some dream. Instinctively I grab the alarm clock with moments to spare.

Each morning the same struggle. I wonder how I ended up here, managing this hotel – ‘Paradise City’. its beautiful gardens buried deep in some stinking concrete jungle. I smile at the passing guests. My skull thick with whiskey; constantly they bark requests as the mind’s eye shows me things I was never meant to know. Eventually the darkness lands. With a flash I’m gone, out the door, pulse racing with an urge to see her.

I trudge uptown brandishing the stick at the swarm of oncoming human traffic. The city bursts skywards. Giant advertising screens flash baseball stars and sportswear.

“Fucks your problem?” screams some fat cunt in linen pants and a fedora.

“I come in peace, son.”

“Ain’t your son shitbag, watch where ya walking next time. Fucking cripple!”

Without breaking stride or looking back I wonder at how many times Ive heard this and smile. The night air warm and sticky; taxi cabs blare horns, the smell of hotdogs drift from the street vendors. I push on.

La temptation’ Gentleman’s club and Bubba Pimp is in full pitch, a girl on each arm. The crowd of losers holla at the show, throwing twenty bucks a pop. The snakes tongue flicks at her snatch as she writhes on the stage.

“You couldn’t afford that one,” he says.

“Oh, I’ve paid for it.” I laugh, “many times over.”

The snake rises to attention then dips back down flicking its tongue across her nipple. The audience goes wild. My heartbeat reaches critical as fingers tighten round the stick. Urge turns to rage. I’m up and out of the chair stick held high. The reptile turns it head. It taunts me. I see my reflection in its eyes. Teeth grind, my chest thuds and I swing heavy. The branch from an ancient tree shatters its skull. The bums go psycho.

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” pleads Eva “Why don’t you just leave us alone?”

“Axel, son of man, pleased to meet ya.”

“You’re not the son!”

“What ya talking about?”

“Don’t you remember? You didn’t want us.” She points at the snake, “you’re not the son… he is!”

The serpent disappears, a half-eaten apple takes its place.

A voice shouts across the room, “you’re not the fucking son!”

“Not the son, not the son, not the son…” Faces chant, charging towards me. Stale whiskey and body odour rise with the heat; a nightmare scenario.

“Bitch” I shout, raising the stick towards the oncoming human traffic.

“Not the son, not the son…”

Blows reign in. I’m on the floor. I feel the snake slide against my leg. It’s soft and warm. I hear my breath gently moving in and out. The taste of whiskey sour in my mouth. Instinctively I reach out, grabbing the alarm clock with moments to spare.

Guests at the hotel come and go, forever needing something. They are always asking for help. I tire of smiling at them and take a walk in the garden. My buckled legs ache and the damp shirt clings to my skin. It will be dark soon, almost dark enough to see her again. I sense an urge and it begins to rise…

“If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was. I would only open my eyes a little more ” ~ Jules Renard.

“To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude” ~ Henry J.M Nouwen.

“You don’t know my mind, you don’t know my kind. Dark necessities are part of my design” ~ Red hot chili peppers.

D&O in Fresno


Day 7 of the Challenge, Everyday Inspiration: Let Social Media Inspire You!

From a list of 5 tweets I chose…

“You study, study, study, and at the end, you are lucky enough to discover the greatest gift of education: that you know nothing at all.” – E.J Koh (Twitter).

Its been a massive thing for me to put into practice but its something I stand firm with today. If I want to learn I need to unlearn first! My head has been crammed so full with bullshit, ego and conditioned survival thinking (Selfishness & Self-centred fear) over the last five decades. It was near impossible to distinguish healthy thinking from insane thought patterns when I first got a few months sober. It seems bizarre now… looking back at just how screwed my thinking was, but its also understandable. I didn’t know any better!
Learning requires a teacher and experience has taught me that pain is the greatest teacher of them all. The lessons it brings are seldom welcome. I don’t believe I’m so different from anybody else with my desire to escape every time the Grand Master makes an appearance. I can truly say that everything it has taught me has been the most important, relevant and beneficial lesson needed at that time to improve my spiritual growth. This goes to prove I don’t know what’s good for me, I think I do, thats why I need to unlearn!
With the benefit of hindsight I can see that now and that has changed my attitude towards pain. I would like to say my initial reaction has changed but that would be untrue. The early sensation of any form of emotional pain is quickly followed by panic! Nowadays this is sharply replaced by soul searching questions of “What’s it here for, what is it saying?” I usually find later that Ive started heading in the wrong direction and have took my eye off the ball. Its an easy mistake and I expect that will keep happening to a greater or lesser extent until I make it to the clearing at the end of the path!
Working the Steps has developed in me an ‘attitude of gratitude’ (can be fleeting at times) and a desire to remain forever teachable. Academically and intellectually Im no novice, but what do they count for when you step out of the door into a war zone? Life is that war zone! I have to be prepared to roll with it and change to suit it – ‘Life on Life’s terms’ that’s an education in itself and I know nothing about what challenges it will present me today.
The Buddhists believe that attachment is the route of all suffering and I can see where they are coming from with that. Attachment to attitudes and believes, especially those that have proved to be lacking and troublesome. Its amazing how many people will hold on to and defend something that is so obviously causing them deep problems. Simply put, this is ego defending itself… fragile and full of shit! What a powerful hold it can have over somebody suffering its grasp! Its had me more than a few times on this journey but I try on a daily basis to keep that fucker at arms length. It was Einstein who coined the phrase – “The definition of insanity is to keep making the same mistake over and over again whilst expecting a different result!” I try to stay sane today.

Life is a game of perspective! Everybody sees things only from their angle and how it fits with their history. I need to regularly be around people who are aware of this and understand that they know nothing when it comes to hard facts. I believe it was Dogen who said “Emptiness is Form, Form is Emptiness” – All true creativity comes when the mind is still. All great ideas are formed when we have emptiness of the mind. When we accept we know nothing we are then ready to learn.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~ Carl Jung

“The more you know, the less you understand.” ~ Lao Tzu

D&O in Fresno.#